


Catharsis

by thesabotagedandovershadowed



Category: Banana Fish
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, ash needs to learn hugs are nice, talking about feelings is hard but necessary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-20 19:36:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15541467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesabotagedandovershadowed/pseuds/thesabotagedandovershadowed
Summary: Recovery comes in steps.





	1. The Conversation

It had been three years now. One year since they’d got on that flight to Japan, and tried to put everything behind them as if it had been a feverish nightmare. Well, to Eiji at least, it felt like a nightmare. But to Ash, Eiji couldn’t begin to understand how he must feel. If only in appearance, Ash had become accustomed to his life in Izumo surprisingly quickly, picking up rough Japanese faster than Eiji could stop him, drinking with the old men of the neighborhood, and exploring the streets during the day. Perhaps it was because he’d been all too happy to leave New York behind. Still…not everything in their relationship was entirely normal.

 

He supposed they were dating. They spent their days and evenings alone together, living quietly on Ash’s stolen funds. They still slept in the same room, feeling safer closer together rather than farther apart. It certainly felt like they were closer than normal friends. But at nights, Eiji felt as though they were a world apart in the same room. He was desperate to reach across that arms length between them and pull Ash closer. Which led him to this moment.

 

Ash was sitting comfortably on the couch, working at something on his laptop. It had been a quiet evening, and Eiji sat on the floor with his back against the couch, watching TV partially underneath a blanket despite the warm summer air.

 

“Ash?”

 

“Hm?” He responded, not looking up from his screen. The summer cicadas seemed louder than ever.

 

“Are you my lover?”

 

At that, Ash paused and looked up, looking briefly confused. He was silent, waiting for Eiji to make his point.

 

“We don’t do things that lovers do.” It was an honest observation, not a passive-aggressive attack. They never touched, never kissed, and most certainly never had sex. It wasn’t that he begrudged Ash his time to heal, it was just that…for them to ever have that, surely they needed to start somewhere? It wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation, but it was one they were long overdue to have.

 

Eiji expected a few different reactions, but not the look of shame that darkened Ash’s face. He closed his computer slowly, eyes downcast.

 

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I’ll do better.”

 

Eiji’s eyes widened, and he sat up quickly. “No! _No,_ ” He spoke firmly. “That is not what I meant, Ash.” The thought of Ash only acting out affections in order to please Eiji made him want to vomit.

 

Before Ash could speak again, he sighed heavily in frustration before continuing. “What I mean is, I want to be your boyfriend. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, and I want to…do things with you.” He meant to stop there, but now that he’d begun all the words began to tumble out. “And if you never ever want to, I’m okay with that! But I need to know…that it’s because you can’t, not because you don’t want me.”

 

Ash looked horrified. “Is that what you thought? That I don’t want you?”

 

Ashamed, Eiji lowered his head. “I thought it might have been…a possibility,” he murmured, running his finger in a nervous circle into the couch. “That maybe everything I feel has all been in my head. That you aren’t my boyfriend, and I’m just imagining strange things.” It wasn’t entirely impossible. He knew what Ash’s friends thought of men like him. The longer Ash stayed away, the more Eiji wondered if maybe they weren’t dating after all. Perhaps Ash would be disgusted with even the thought.

 

Ash was quiet for some time. He looked away, and for a moment Eiji thought he might’ve seen tears in his eyes. Finally, with a shuddering breath, he spoke. “I’ve never had sex.” Eiji waited for him to continue. “I’ve been…raped, and sold, so many times I-“ his voice caught. Eiji’s heart clenched as he realized this might’ve been the first time he’d spoken openly about his experiences. He wanted so badly to touch him, to comfort him, but he knew better. “But I’ve never been with someone I wanted to be with,” Ash finished.

 

“I’m sorry, Ash,” Eiji said softly. “I didn’t mean to push you.”

 

Ash had been looking away as he spoke, and even now afterwards he didn’t turn around, as if he was too ashamed to speak his thoughts aloud. He chuckled and quickly swiped away a tear, as if he hoped Eiji wouldn’t notice.

 

“I was scared,” he said hoarsely, “that you might not want me if you realized. I don’t know what I’ll be like if we try. I thought I could just fake it, but even being around you normally, whenever we get close I’m…I’m scared,” he admitted.

 

“Ash, look at me,” Eiji spoke firmly. When Ash finally turned his head, his red-rimmed eyes locked with Eiji’s, and for a moment he looked exactly as he was: not a fearless gang leader, but a scared 19 year old boy, stripped of his childhood and innocence. “You never, _ever_ , have to be scared of me. I promise, I will never do anything to make you unhappy, or uncomfortable, or sad.” The intensity of the way he spoke made Ash’s eyes widen. This was a vow. Taking a deep breath, he added, “And if I do, tell me, and I will stop. But you need to tell me, okay? There is _nothing_ you could do that would disappoint me.”

 

Ash swallowed the lump in his throat and laughed. It felt freeing somehow, to finally spit it out. “Okay,” he smiled.

 

His entire life, Ash had shied away from any physical touch. But Eiji was right there, looking at him with those intense eyes full of love.

 

“Can I hug you?” Ash asked. Eiji’s eyes widened in surprise, and his face broke out into a smile. He nodded, and slowly stood up in front of him.

 

Ash stood as well, and for a moment, they were silent while Ash mentally prepared himself. Then, Eiji held open his arms, and for the first time in his life, Ash willingly leaned into them. It was awkward at first, the stiff way he leaned in closer and wrapped his arms around Eiji’s warm back and laid his head on Eiji’s shoulder. He smelled like cheap and clean shampoo, and Ash made a mental note to buy him a nicer smelling kind. _Maybe something like brown sugar_ , he thought absentmindedly.

 

“Shh, don’t force it,” Eiji murmured, sensing Ash’s discomfort. “Take your time.”

 

And so they stood there like that for a while, and Ash closed his eyes, trying to adapt to the feeling. It was bad, at first. He expected it to be. It was too close, too uncomfortable, and every instinct inside him screamed to get away. But he endured it.

 

Eiji was a firm presence against him, his hands slowly moving up and down his shoulder blades as if to calm him. Ash got the slight feeling Eiji was treating him like a scared animal, one being carefully petted and cooed at in order to calm it. Eiji’s warm cheek was pressed against his hair, and Ash thought it maybe wasn’t so bad, being this close to him. He was rocking slightly, and Ash allowed himself to be rocked back and forth slowly. He wondered if his mother had ever rocked him like this, his father certainly hadn’t, and Griffin…Griffin…

 

Before Ash even realized, his calming deep breaths had turned into shuddering sighs. He wept then, into Eiji’s shoulder, as Eiji rocked him and murmured quiet solaces into his ear. He sobbed for his brother, for Skip, for everyone else he’d seen suffer, just as he cursed that damn vet, Golzine, and the countless others who had harmed him. His legs gave out beneath him and Eiji lowered him safely to the floor, still holding him close as if he’d expected this, rocking him with quiet _shushes_ cut in with promises that _everything will be okay, I’m here now._

 

“Ash, I’m here. For as long as you need me,” he whispered.

 

Ash tightened his hold on Eiji, burying his face against his chest. “I know.”


	2. Touch

Eiji awoke shaking in fear, tears running down his eyes. He didn’t even remember what he’d been dreaming of, so many things had happened in New York that it could have been any number of them haunting his dreams. Taking a shuddering breath, Eiji tried to calm his thrumming heartbeat.

“You’re in Izumo now,” Ash spoke next to him. He was sitting propped up on his pillows with his arm behind his head. He didn’t look like he’d slept at all. “Everything’s okay.”

Eiji suddenly felt overcome with guilt. What had he even been through, compared to Ash? His words were comforting, but his expression hadn’t changed. He was looking vacantly at the ceiling, as if he had been up all night, remembering. Once more, Eiji was overcome with the desire to close the space between them, to stand up and drag his futon next to Ash’s, to curl up next to him and be safe and warm. But he knew better.

Almost as if Ash could read his thoughts, he moved his hand out from behind his head and reached out his hand across the space, laying it flat across the cold floor, an open invitation to touch. Tears welling in his eyes, Eiji placed his hand in Ash’s, their fingers interlocking in a quiet moment of intimacy. Without so much as a word, Ash squeezed his hand lightly, and closed his eyes again.

—

Ash rolled his shoulders for the eighth time in as many minutes, and Eiji had had just about enough. With a huff, he placed his knife down on the cutting board, and threw his hands under the running water.

“Ash.”

Ash gave a questioning grunt, which was about the best Eiji was expecting given the circumstances. He supposed a genius IQ came with a serious attention span.

Moving to stand behind the couch, Eiji paused before touching Ash, suddenly remembering. “I wanna massage your shoulders. Is that okay?”

“Why?” Ash turned around and gave him that suspicious glare he gave everyone he didn’t trust. It hurt seeing it.

“Your shoulders clearly hurt.”

“Do what you want,” he huffed, before closing his laptop and placing it on the coffee table. Scooting forward, he bared his shoulders to Eiji.

Eiji frowned. “That isn’t a yes, Ash. If you don’t want me to, I won’t.” He stopped and considered the situation for a moment. Perhaps Ash thought massages were only sexual. It explained the apprehension.

“My friends used to give me some massages back in college, because pole vaulting was kind of hard on our bodies,” he explained. “It’s normal between friends, to me at least.”

Ash considered that for a moment, before finally muttering a quiet ‘okay’.

Contrary to whatever Ash may have thought, Eiji was not one to go easy. Sure, he wasn’t as good at _killing people_ as Ash was, but he wasn’t a delicate child either. He’d done sports his entire life. He did _not_ have baby hands, thank you very much.

“Jesus,” Ash winced. “They teach you how to kill a man with your bare hands over there in Japan?”

“Sure do,” Eiji grinned. He gave Ash a slap on his back signifying he was finished. “Cause we got no guns y’know!”

___

Ash hadn’t lifted his head in 10 minutes, and Eiji was, at this point, entirely sure he was eating breakfast with a dead man.

“It’s rude to sleep at the breakfast table,” he scolded.

He didn’t seem to be a in state to reply. Eiji frowned as he looked him over. His normally soft shoulder-length hair seemed to be aiming for every direction at once. As a child, Eiji had been told to look presentable before coming to the table, but he supposed as adults they made their own rules. He certainly didn’t want to think about what Ash’s childhood must’ve been like.

“If you aren’t going to fix your own hair, I’ll do it for you,” he teased, pointing his chopsticks at Ash.

Ash peered up from his apparently comfortable arms. “Fine,” he said bluntly.

Eiji locked eyes with him over his bowl. “ _Really_ fine? Or ‘get off my back and let me sleep at the table’ fine?”

“Really fine,” Ash said with a confident smirk, like he didn’t expect Eiji to actually do it.

Ash straightened up as he approached. Without leaning down, Eiji ran his fingers through Ash’s soft hair, a futile attempt to comb through the blond locks. It soon became apparent just why Ash had dared him to fix his hair himself. He seemed to be enjoying the feeling of Eiji touching him, with his eyes closed, and his mouth partially open. He looked kind of stupid, if Eiji was being entirely honest with himself, but he looked so comfortable that he kept his mouth shut.

“There,” he murmured. “Don’t know why you need me to mother you,” he said, raising an eyebrow to Ash’s satisfied smirk. Plopping back down into his chair, he asked, “you awake now?”

“Nope,” Ash said, with a pop of his lips. Sighing happily and lowering his head onto the table, he only muttered, “Think you managed to put me right back to sleep, actually.”

___

“So you never went to prom?” Eiji whined. “Who’s gonna confirm all those myths for me now? What about the red plastic cups Ash? _What about the cups?_ ”

“Can’t help you there!” Ash laughed. “Cmon, can you imagine me at a high school prom anyways?”

“I can!” Eiji wheezed. “With the jacket and the little bowtie…!”

Ash smirked. “Mhmm. Slow dancing to a cheesy pop song too, I bet.”

Something about the wistful way he said it made the mood change fast. It couldn’t be helped. Almost anything relating to Ash before he was 20 seemed to bring up bad memories. Still, there was no rule saying he couldn’t replace them with good memories.

Standing up suddenly, Eiji made his way Ash’s laptop and logged himself in. “What’s a good cheesy pop song?” he asked.

“I don’t…know any?” Ash said, suddenly looking confused. “Wait, you’re not actually going to play one, are you?”

“Yep!” he grinned, finally deciding on a good one before bouncing to his feet again. Eiji held out his hands. “Cmon, I wanna dance with my boyfriend.”

Ash paused and considered for a moment the way he always did, as if he was worried someone from his old gang was still watching and would think him stupid. Then his face broke out into a smile and he took Eiji’s hands into his before looking down in a moment of realization.

“I have _no_ idea how to dance.”

“Neither do I!” Eiji laughed and threw his arms around his boyfriend.

And so they savored the moment, with Eiji’s arms slung carelessly over Ash, their foreheads together, moving quietly to the song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the poor child must learn to touch and be touched. turns out its actually kind of pleasant, when done by someone you love. next chapter should be sleep :)


	3. Sleep

Eiji was already having a hard time sleeping when the soft pattering of rain began to turn into the harsh clapping of thunder. He hadn’t slept well since New York, but that should’ve come as no surprise. Sighing in frustration, he turned to check on Ash. He was curled up as usual, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets where it seemed like the world couldn’t touch him. He wondered what nightmares were haunting him tonight. 

As Eiji lay thinking, another boom of thunder shook the room, and Ash visibly flinched beneath his blankets. So not sleeping at all, hm? 

Eiji sat up. Only a few weeks ago, Ash had comforted him during a nightmare by reminding him where he was, grounding him in the present. He wondered if he could do the same for Ash now.

“It’s not a gunshot. Or an explosion,” he explained quietly. “Just the rain.”

His only response was Ash freezing under the covers. He appeared to be in one of his infamous not-feeling-like-talking moods, so Eiji knew better than to press the issue. Lying back down, he rolled over onto his side and decided to instead tackle the issue of sleep one more time. 

It was nights like these that made Eiji hate the fact that they shared a room. It only served to remind him how distant they could be. Trying to get through to Ash sometimes felt like one step forward and two steps back. His frustration was punctuated by the fact that he was closer to Ash than any other living person was. And if this was as close as he could get…

“I used to sleep with Griff, on nights like these,” Ash spoke softly. “Always hated thunder.”

Eiji rolled over, facing Ash. “I’m listening.”

“There’s not a lot more to say.” He could almost hear the verbal shrug. “I just hate the sudden noise, I guess. It’s worse now, after everything that’s happened but…it was always there.” 

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

“I can try,” Ash answered honestly. 

Eiji sat up again and crawled over into Ash’s futon. It was a nicer one, and it’s mattress-like quality crinkled as he pulled the blanket back and laid down. 

“One of these damn days we really need to go mattress shopping,” Ash muttered, as if he could read his thoughts. 

Eiji flicked his hair in response. “It’s the Japanese way,” he said with a cheeky grin. “If you want to be Japanese you have to learn to love sleeping on the floor!”

It was cramped. Somehow he felt as though he should’ve expected this, but he hadn’t. Ash’s pillow smelled like him. It was a nice smell, Eiji thought. Ash had already rolled over again, and his blond hair was splayed over the pillow, still visible in the moonlight. 

“I wanna touch your hair,” Eiji sighed longingly.

Ash’s shoulder trembled slightly as if he were laughing. “Go for it,” he said, that quiet laugh still audible in his voice. 

Eiji didn’t quite get just what was so funny, but he lifted his hand above the blanket anyways. Ash flinched ever so slightly as Eiji gently placed his hand on his hair, petting him softly. Surely Griffin must’ve done something similar when he was a child. “Do you like sleeping alone or with someone else?” He wasn’t sure why he was trying to make conversation when they should have both been trying to sleep, but he was curious.

Ash sleepily murmured something before clearing his throat and answering. “I liked sleeping with Griff when I was a kid. I think most kids like sleeping with their parents.” Eiji didn’t bring up the fact that he had referred to his older brother as his parent. “But after that I liked sleeping by myself, obviously.”

Eiji hummed quietly in acknowledgement, still sleepily running his hand over Ash’s hair. It seemed to be calming him. 

“When they were finished with me, they’d clean up and leave me there,” Ash continued without prompting. “I kinda thought of it as like uhh, I don’t know, a grace period? No one bothered me for a while after, usually. I could just…rest. They weren’t the cuddle after sex types. Small blessings, I guess.”

It took all of Eiji’s willpower not to stop his petting. He really did need a tougher stomach for his lover’s stories. 

“What about you? Sleep with a lot of boyfriends before me?” he teased. 

“None, actually. Not a lot of time while you’re prepping for the Olympics,” he murmured sleepily. “I always wanted to sleep next to someone though…seemed nice.”

Ash turned over, and carefully pushed him down onto his back. Scooting up, he then laid his head on Eiji’s chest and placed his hand over his belly. Eiji only stared up at the ceiling in surprise. 

“I think this is how you cuddle, anyways,” Ash muttered, the muffled humor only meant to hide his nervousness. In the end, they really were new to this. 

Bringing his hand back down to Ash’s shoulder, Eiji’s face broke out into a smile.

“Yeah, it’s nice” he murmured, turning his head towards Ash and feeling his hair tickling his chin. “It really is nice…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just realized this chapters been sitting finished for weeks, whoops. dont shoot me lol and i really wanna say thank you for all the people leaving comments - you guys have seriously been saying such kind and genuinely supportive things, and it really means a lot. so thank you <3 
> 
> side note, the part about the "grace period" was inspired by the blanca extra chapter (i forget its name now, the backstory one where blanca and ash meet). both times after ash is raped, when blanca finds him he's just laying there with his eyes closed trying to sleep or just rest, and it really made me sad :( so i guess i was referencing that


	4. Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not particularly important, but if you're big on setting the mood i listened to ocean eyes by billie eilish while writing this. damn does that song make me emotional :(

Sunlight was already streaming through the windows when Eiji woke. Immediately, he became aware of the heavy weight on his chest. Ash was still curled up on his chest. His hand was atop Eiji’s own, and he wondered briefly if Ash had fallen asleep making patterns on his wrist. Savoring the moment, Eiji let his head rest against the soft pillow, listening to Ash’s steady breathing. It was rare to see him so calm, and his expression seemed so peaceful that Eiji didn’t dare to move.

His hand had been wrapped around Ash’s waist, and he suddenly became aware that Ash’s loose nightshirt had crept up in his sleep, exposing the bare flesh. Careful not to touch, he slowly pulled his shirt down, but Ash stirred anyways.

“What’s wrong?” he mumbled sleepily.

“Nothing,” Eiji whispered, “go back to sleep.”

Ash hummed sleepily in response and turned over onto his back, finally releasing Eiji from his pleasant prison. Eiji sat up on his elbow.

“Can I kiss you?”

Ash turned his head back towards Eiji, and he was relieved to find there was a carefree grin on his face. “With this morning breath?” he squinted.

“Mhmm.”

“Go for it,” he said, unusually confident.

Leaning down, Eiji laid a chaste peck on Ash’s forehead, much to the latter’s surprise. Ash blinked confusedly. “That’s it?”

Eiji laughed. “That’s it.”

—

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Ash stopped. He’d been climbing into their new bed, but the question seemed to make him think.

“I don’t…think so?” he frowned, a wrinkle appearing in his brow as he thought.

Eiji laughed. “You say that like it’s a question.”

“Mm,” Ash plopped down into the soft pillows. Rolling over, he said “I guess…it’s probably happened before. But most of those bastards weren’t big on kissing.”

“Will you kiss me?

Ash looked up at him and grinned. “I thought you got your kiss.”

Eiji closed the book he’d been reading carefully. “I was thinking of something a little more…intimate.” Eiji chose his last word carefully, paying close attention to Ash’s reaction. To his credit, his expression didn’t falter.

Ash turned his eyes away. It was a tick, Eiji knew. He always turned his eyes away when he felt vulnerable, as if the person talking to him would see right through him if he didn’t. Eiji also knew that he had picked up the habit by turning away from the camera while Marvin raped him and filmed it. It was a silent self-defense few people noticed. Eiji noticed.

“I can’t promise to be good at it,” he finally answered.

“I don’t need you to be good at it.” Eiji’s indignation showed through a little more clearly than he’d hoped for. “Most people…get to experience it the first time with someone they love. All the, all the awkwardness and happy failure and…everything. If you want to, I want to experience that with you.”

His voice betrayed him. He could make himself upset in an instant if he even began to think of the things Ash had experienced. All the happy experiences he’d had stolen from him and returned corrupted.

Ash sat up on his arm. “Then kiss me,” he spoke, his voice a challenge.

Now that the option lay before him, Eiji wasn’t entirely sure where to begin. He wasn’t any more experienced in this than Ash. But it was now or never.

He leaned forward slowly, unsure whether to keep his eyes open or closed. In an ironic turn of events, Ash seemed much calmer than he was, staring up at him coolly. Eiji locked eyes with him for only a moment before closing them, letting his lips brush over Ash’s gently, feeling the warmth from his skin. Ash opened him mouth willingly, baring himself for Eiji to take. He let his tongue flicker against Ash’s for a moment, starting at the strange feeling, before closing the distance once more. Ash grinned at his surprise, and Eiji realized with a small smile of his own that he could feel his smile against his lips.

Overtaken with this new feeling, he moved closer till he was pushing Ash back on both him arms. Ash moved back willingly, tongue wet and willing against Eiji’s own, lips kissing his tongue, his lips, the edge of his mouth, anywhere eager lips could reach. Eiji ran his hand through Ash’s damp blond hair and against his cheek, feeling the beginnings of stubble against his palm.

Running his hands down from Ash’s rough cheek to his neck, his chest, he felt the stiffness of an erect nipple through the thick fabric of his shirt. He didn’t stop though, his hand traveling lower to his bare hip in an effort to pull him closer. Suddenly, Ash pulled back.

“ _Stop._ ”

Ash’s hand had gripped his own, tightly. Realizing what he had done, he gasped, withdrawing his hand from Ash’s bare skin as if it were fire. “Sorry, I-I’m so sorry, Ash, I-“ he apologized profusely, his voice breathless. Ash’s eyes were shut tightly, and he shook his head quickly.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Eiji wasn’t sure which one of them he was saying it for. Every instinct in his body screamed to move closer, to hold his lover against him and tell him he was safe, that he was sorry, but he knew it wasn’t what Ash needed right now.

Sitting up, Ash put his head into his knees, carding his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Talk some sense to me,” he murmured quietly, voice muffled by his pajamas.

“There’s no sense to talk into you. You’re reacting normally,” Eiji said. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked.” He paused, waiting for Ash’s reaction. “Ash…Ash, Ash, Ash,” he whispered gently, trying to comfort him even with the distance between them. “What do you need from me? Do you want me to touch you? Should I leave?”

Ash looked up, tears in his eyes. “Touch me,” he asked.

Eiji closed the distance in no time at all, pulling Ash into his arms. Ash wrapped his arms around him tightly, holding on for dear life. He cried quietly while Eiji planted small kisses atop his head, and ran his hands in comforting motions across his back. “Is it always gonna be like this?” Ash sniffled.

Eiji didn’t know how to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to zo for helping me find adjectives pertaining to perky nipples god bless

**Author's Note:**

> welp, here it is. i havent checked in a bit, but i noticed that not a lot of fics focus on the recovery aspect of ash and eiji's relationship, so i wanted to have one focused on that. the goal is for this fic to show kind of the stages of healing for them, beginning with the above conversation, then moving on to ash learning how to touch and be touched, and so on and so on until they can eventually reach other types of intimacy. now hope and pray to a god of your choosing i dont hit a writing block lmao
> 
> also, you may notice i dont give eiji his usual broken english...this is mostly because i feel like any attempt of mine to do so as a pasty ass white girl will come off as either patronizing or straight up racist, so the only time i put in anything remotely sounding like a foreigner is if i know it sounds legit (in Nighttime Rituals for example, Eiji asking "is it ok?" instead of "is that ok" is something I hear a lot) just so ya know


End file.
